I have struggled with my weight since I stopped playing sports in college. I worked out all of the time in high school and my freshman year of college. I still thought I was fat then and often wish I could go back in time to appreciate my high school body. Now, as a 36-year-old woman, my biggest struggle is with food, my body image, and the scale.

I have noticed several problems when it comes to weight loss or maintenance. Firstly, I hate, hate that there are a million of little decisions that lead to such a central being of who you are.  Do I have an extra bite? Should I get fries with that? Small or medium, medium or large, large or mega-sized? I make probably fifty food decisions, very seemingly small ones, that dramatically impact my size.  Small decisions = my size. My size = my self image, health, and other’s view of me. It seems very high stakes, but with so many opportunities to mess up.

I hate being told what to do. I want freedom to make my own food choices and not feel locked down by a dietitian, Weight Watchers, or the looming knowledge that I will be weighed at my annual OB/GYN appointment.  Those numbers have been going up year after year since I lost a bunch of weight in 2007. 

I also go back and forth from feeling enormous, to feeling awesome and fit. I see a woman in an Easy Traveler, scooting along, imprisoned by her body weight and I feel pretty good about myself. I see someone jogging effortlessly, or looking absolutely wonderful in size small clothing, and I hate myself.  It is tough to figure out where in the continuum I will be happy. I know it is not here, but hate feeling imprisoned by the restrictions.